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Monday, May 30, 2005

A loving relationship -- sometimes filled with frustration

I was going to blog today about Manna, and gratitude, and how we sometimes scoff at how God chooses to meet our needs when, in materialism, we want more, or better.

The first time I sat down, one of the kids knocked on my door immediately. She wanted to explain why she refused to do her chores, and that she refuses ever to leave her room again, and will not be going to school from now on. I dealt with it, I think, pretty well.

Finally I got back to the computer and pulled up the blog to start writing. Within seconds, another door knock. Another child wanted to tell me how the previous child had yelled and been rude to her. Again I dealt, again I tried.

Patience beginning to wear thin, I sat down to write again. Another knock. One child had hit another. This is not the first time that child has committed violence today, and already she'd received punishment. Two minutes later (I timed) another knock, and two minutes after that, another, and yet another two minutes... you guessed it.

I didn't answer the last knock, but instead lay my head on the computer desk and asked myself how I am going to write about gratitude to God when at the moment it is difficult to dredge up any feelings of gratitude. As I mulled over this subject, two more knocks interrupted my self pity.

I had reached the point where I could not bring myself to write about how to be a good Christian when I certainly couldn't bring myself to feel like one. At this point to write warm fuzzies about my relationship with God would feel rather hypocritical, even though I knew it was just emotion and that it would pass.

And that's when it hit me. A relationship of love is not about warm fuzzies. It isn't about how I feel at this moment. It is about the fact that God continues to love me when I'm self-pitying and not being very charitable. It's about the fact that even when I feel completely negative, I don't want to say anything terrible to or about God that I know with all my heart I would regret later. Why? Because even when I am full of frustration, I know that my temporary emotions do not reflect my permanent love for Him.

Love isn't about always feeling good, and it certainly isn't about always feeling passion. It is about having and valuing a relationship. It is about knowing my Beloved, and wanting to be the kind of person who deserves the kind of love He already lavishes on me. It isn't about never lacking hyper-happy emotions, but rather about continuing to love Him and maintain my relationship with Him even when the hyper-happy isn't there.

My Loved One doesn't need to see me always happy; He is glad to be the shoulder for me to cry on occasionally.

Forget Manna. For my Daddy's shoulder -- for that I am grateful.