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Friday, December 23, 2005

My Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I know it's kind of last minute, but I thought I ought to contact you before Christmas, just to make sure there are no misunderstandings between us. I haven't been perfect, but I've been a pretty good girl, and I thought we should clear some things up just to be certain.

As you probably realize, one of my biggest difficulties has been gluttony. I fudged on my new year's resolutions, but I'm sure you don't care much about that, since it's a different holiday. Please tell the reindeer that I didn't really enjoy the venison, and send my condolences to Prancer.

As for that jewelry, I think I need to clear the air. I honestly thought, before I bought it, that my mother had agreed to loan me the money. How was I to know she was being sarcastic? And you have to admit, I do look good in diamonds.

The incident in the grocery store parking lot would probably have been better avoided, but surely you understand that it wasn't foreplanned. She's healing nicely, anyway, and her insurance covered most of it. You know, good parking spots are awfully hard to find. I know it doesn't really excuse me, but she didn't qualify for a handicapped space, either, at least not then. Let's be fair about it!

At least there's one thing I know you can be proud of. That really cute outfit I saw my neighbor wearing, I resisted the urge to take it for myself and wear it. I can't tell you how difficult it was to resist the urge, because that blob doesn't do it justice. It would look so much better on me; I have the right coloring for it, and I never get anything really nice to wear (besides the jewelry, of course). Besides, I have larger bones than she has, so I guess it wouldn't have fit anyway. But please, Santa, don't you listen to a word of the rumors that I was the one who made a bonfire out of her closet's contents. It's all dirty slander, I tell you!

All in all, I've done pretty doggone good. I'm popular, beautiful, well-spoken, and modest. I've kept my teasing of the elderly to a minimum, and in fact, maybe I should get extra presents this year.

I didn't get to the store, so I'm afraid there are no cookies and milk. I hope you like Sour Cream and Onion Pringles, and beer. I won't tattle on you for driving a sleigh under the influence.

I can't wait to see what you leave under the tree, and I'll try next year to get to the store for some instant cookie mix before Christmas Eve.

Your good buddy,