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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I haven't disappeared... really.

Although I realize it may seem that way.

Mainly, I've been stressing and exhausting. And It's very hard for me to write when I'm stressed or exhausted. The stresses have been that the child support suddenly ended, so we're not able to meet our expenses again. That, and Baby is expected in a mere six weeks and we are as unready as it is possible to be. The exhaustion stems, no doubt, from those same facts.

Earlier in the year, the support was spotty and partial. Silly me, I complained; so I get the chance to see how much harder things can get. I prayed about going back to work, and was given an emphatic "No!" So for the time being, there doesn't seem to be much to do short of disobedience. That's not a road that either Joel or I wants to go down, so we have to bide our time and find creative ways to answer the phone when the creditors call. I'm learning, at least, to trust in God. He has a funny habit of waiting till the very last moment to send assistance, no doubt to test and strengthen our steel.

Even as I write, the song "Blessed be the name of the Lord" just came on. The line missing, but the line I must constantly remember is in the Biblical context, is the first part: "The Lord gives, the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." I really wish, sometimes, that God didn't feel so strongly that our moral lessons need to come out of the Book of Job. It is not an encouraging place to go to be fed. But obviously God has his reasons for inspiring the book and allowing it to be included in the Canon of the Bible. He didn't consult me on the matter, so I need to remember that I don't have to understand His reasons.

The unpreparedness is a newer issue. It kind of hit suddenly, when I realized that it will take more than six weeks to get our bedroom clean enough to make space to put a cradle. We have yet to fish the boy clothes out of the garage and wash them, and something tells me it might be a good idea to buy some newborn diapers.

A few things I am prepared for, though. First, I'm fairly prepared for my first appointment, two weeks from now, with the obstetrician who will be delivering our Little Guy. (My regular family doctor has handled the pregnancy, but the OB will do the actual cutting.) I have my questions ready about medicines, recovery, and keeping husband and baby with me during recovery, if possible. I'm also prepared to "act like a sissy."

You see, last time around I felt silly staying more than a day and a half in the hospital, so I went home before I could handle being home. I couldn't do difficult tasks like getting in bed or lying down. I had to sleep in a chair, because the bed was just too ambitious. This time, I don't care how silly it feels, I will stay as long as they allow me to. I will have a footstool beside my bed, and a shower chair in the shower, and I will walk around as much as I'm able to speed up my digestive tract after surgery. And yes, I will bring movies and maybe some earphones. I will allow, just this once, total strangers (if you can call people who go to my church and cared for me through my last two childbirths and recoveries) to treat me like a princess.

It sounds silly, maybe... but just feeling ready for these small aspects of delivery and recovery makes me feel just a little less overwhelmed with the idea of bringing home a baby for whom we have enough love but not enough money and not nearly enough space.

We've rounded that final corner, at least that final measurable one. The appointments, starting Monday, will be weekly. Never mind that it's only because I'm old, not because I'm in the final month; it still gives me that marvelous feeling of progress. And because of the two vessel cord, they want to do another sonogram on Monday to check fetal growth. This will be our fourth sonogram this pregnancy -- a record for me.

So now you're all up to date. Now that I've made my excuses for blog-lethargy, maybe now I can get back to that biting sass you've all grown accustomed to.