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Saturday, April 12, 2008

Confession

I admit, I went way too long without the sacrament. About 7 months, and for at least the last few, I needed it. You see, I was angry and lethargic, and it was hard at one point not to blame God.

But that wasn't the really rough part. You see, I got over the anger. But I didn't get over the knowledge that I had allowed a wedge between myself and God. So, while I continued praying, it felt rather like an awkward meeting with an estranged relative. I love Him, and I wanted things to be right between us, but I couldn't just pretend like nothing had passed. When you love someone, and He loves you, you want to be on good terms. And it hurts like (well, pardon the language, but it's appropriate) hell to have that distance of unrepaired bridges between you.

I won't go into too much detail about why it took so long to get back to Him, but suffice it to say that it really was beginning to feel like someone was out to get me. Car breakdown after car breakdown. Illness. Hubbie having no choice about working weekends. And so on. But it was enough to really make me examine my motives, and to think and pray for a way to get to confession. God made me really want it. It wasn't going to be enough to go through the motions this time.

So today, I finally got there. It was two or three minutes, without any pouring out of emotion or sage advice. It was one of those really simple (though not necessarily easy) confessions where you sit down and just lay it on the line. "I did this. I did this other thing. I did such and such." And I received a fairly simple penance of praying before the Blessed Sacrament.

And the prayer was so simple. Simple as light filling a room. Simple as warmth flooding through your body when you come in from the snow. Simple as a few words from me, and a few words from the Lord. "See how easily I forgive?"

And for the first time in months, I feel unburdened. I can go to God without a feeling of shame, just one of overwhelming gratitude.

My friends, if you have not been to confession in a while, please go soon. Someone is waiting for you with open arms.