Daily Bread

A thought:
How often do I say "Give us this day our daily bread"?
How often do I go to daily Mass and receive Communion?

Hm. Maybe I need to work on that.

Thought for the day

Prayer should always be an act of love.

If I pray self-righteously, I'm doing it wrong.

Thought for the day

When you feel like the gopher the cat dragged in, stop and ask yourself: is there anything in your life that is not a blessing from God? Now stop laughing as you think about that thorn in your side, that that couldn't possibly be from God, and remember Job's words. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Try to remember that each thing in your life is a gift from God, even when it doesn't look like one. The dirty house is a roof and a shelter. The nagging child is life and the future. The exhaustion is life spent productively. God gave you this life because He loves you. Just like you might make a four year old eat his vegetables because you love him.

Blessed be the name of the Lord... in good times and challenging.

Confession

I admit, I went way too long without the sacrament. About 7 months, and for at least the last few, I needed it. You see, I was angry and lethargic, and it was hard at one point not to blame God.

But that wasn't the really rough part. You see, I got over the anger. But I didn't get over the knowledge that I had allowed a wedge between myself and God. So, while I continued praying, it felt rather like an awkward meeting with an estranged relative. I love Him, and I wanted things to be right between us, but I couldn't just pretend like nothing had passed. When you love someone, and He loves you, you want to be on good terms. And it hurts like (well, pardon the language, but it's appropriate) hell to have that distance of unrepaired bridges between you.

I won't go into too much detail about why it took so long to get back to Him, but suffice it to say that it really was beginning to feel like someone was out to get me. Car breakdown after car breakdown. Illness. Hubbie having no choice about working weekends. And so on. But it was enough to really make me examine my motives, and to think and pray for a way to get to confession. God made me really want it. It wasn't going to be enough to go through the motions this time.

So today, I finally got there. It was two or three minutes, without any pouring out of emotion or sage advice. It was one of those really simple (though not necessarily easy) confessions where you sit down and just lay it on the line. "I did this. I did this other thing. I did such and such." And I received a fairly simple penance of praying before the Blessed Sacrament.

And the prayer was so simple. Simple as light filling a room. Simple as warmth flooding through your body when you come in from the snow. Simple as a few words from me, and a few words from the Lord. "See how easily I forgive?"

And for the first time in months, I feel unburdened. I can go to God without a feeling of shame, just one of overwhelming gratitude.

My friends, if you have not been to confession in a while, please go soon. Someone is waiting for you with open arms.

Time to Heal

There are some things it's always time for. Healing and forgiveness in particular.
Today's first reading told us this:

Hear this, you who trample upon the needy
and destroy the poor of the land!
“When will the new moon be over,” you ask,
“that we may sell our grain,
and the sabbath, that we may display the wheat?
We will diminish the ephah,
add to the shekel,
and fix our scales for cheating!
We will buy the lowly for silver,
and the poor for a pair of sandals;
even the refuse of the wheat we will sell!”
The LORD has sworn by the pride of Jacob:
Never will I forget a thing they have done!

And memories, unhappy ones, came flooding back. I'm not proud to admit that my first thought was "Oh, good. I want justice."

It was 1997, and I was going through a divorce. I had driven 2,000 miles to get home, in a Geo Metro, with three kids and whatever possessions we could fit in the back of the car. It was a complete leap of faith, because the "home" to which I was returning wasn't a house or an apartment; it was a state, where my family lived. But I did not have a home waiting. My sister and her husband put us up for as long as they were able, but the price of housing was higher than I'd anticipated, and I couldn't find any apartment in the county that cost less per month than my welfare income. Child support had not yet been established, I found myself homeless with three young children. Finally, at the last possible moment, I got someone to rent me a house, and although the situation was far from optimal, at least we had a roof over our heads. The downside was that the owner of the house dropped by whenever she wanted, and always brought with her a sense of darkness and fear that I could not dispel. She would criticize me for having food out ("inviting critters") while we were eating dinner. She judged me harshly for having clothes on the bedroom floor, although she'd neglected to make available the dresser she'd promised. All of this was worth tolerating, though, for a sense of safety for the kids, and a chance to make new beginnings.

Then, after four months, the situation got ugly. The landlord had decided she'd make more money during the summer by renting the house out as a summer cottage for tourists, and she appeared on the last day of the month to tell me I had to be out by the following day. What could I do? I started packing. By this time, we had a lot of stuff, because my ex had mailed package after package to me in an attempt to prove good will. I had also just done my monthly grocery shopping, and filled the refrigerator with the last of my month's food stamps.

I rented a storage unit, and a friend rented a U-Haul trailer to bring my things there, but it would take two trips because we'd gotten the smallest trailer. On the way out, I ran into the landlord, and warned her that I had cancelled two of the checks that were awaiting her in her post office box: I had cancelled the check for next month's rent, since I would not be there, and I had cancelled this month's check which she had not yet cashed, because I had paid first, last, and deposit when I moved in, so she had already been paid for this month. Obviously, I was going to need that money to get a new place.

She accused me of "pulling a stunt" and got very angry. Evidently she had counted on having an extra two months of rent from me. When I returned to collect the rest of my things, she had changed the lock. Eventually she toted about half of my remaining things to my sister's house and dumped them on the lawn. She kept the most expensive items, though, and literally all of the food. I was now without food for the next month, with no place to live, and with threats of legal action against me. All of this with no warning at all.

Things eventually worked out. We got a one time "homeless benefit" from the state which helped us pay for a motel and helped us with move in costs when I finally found a low cost apartment in another county. My mother and sister helped out with meals until the next food stamps arrived; and we eventually ended up in a secure and attractive apartment that, miraculously, cost an amount I could barely afford. But in these ten years I've still found it difficult to forgive someone who put us on the street and stole from us while we were homeless. I got over the loss of the Revereware that had been a wedding present pretty quickly, but the loss of the lifelong collection of family photos was a lot harder to forget. Greed I can understand; but stealing the food from the mouths of small children is much harder to understand. The maliciousness that inspires the destruction of someone's childhood memories cannot even be explained by the desire for personal gain.

I hope you'll pardon me for my relapse here. I needed to unburden myself of this story for what I hope will be the last time. These, though, are the memories that flooded back as I heard today's first reading.

Then the choir began.
If today, if today you hear the voice of God, open up your heart and listen to his Word.
If today, if today you hear the voice of God, harden not your hearts, harden not your hearts.

And I knew. He wants us not to harden our hearts. He wants me not to harden my heart. Not just to Him, but to anyone. It is time to forgive, and to let go of the hurt and anger from all those years ago. I doubt I will ever see this person again in this world, and it is time to stop hoping not to see her in the next.

I have all I need, praise God. I have the love of an amazing man and an amazing family. What ingratitude to allow a loss ten years ago to make me think any less of this beautiful life God has given me.

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord

Which is easier to say when He helps. And He has. And things are finally looking like we're going to climb out of this hole. We're going to be able to save the house, for which I am more grateful than I can express... but I'll try.

For the sake of privacy, I am not naming names, but if you helped out, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm taking down my "appeal" in the sidebar, and removing the red text. The next few months will be tight still, but now we have reason to believe we're going to make it.

Now I want to say a few words about the spiritual journey that has accompanied this roller coaster ride. Maybe it's too personal, I don't know; but I'm going to post before I have a chance to second-guess whether it's airing laundry or giving testimony.

For the past few months, I've struggled. Really, really struggled. God has helped me so many times in the past that at first I didn't worry too much; but when it began to feel like quicksand and He still wasn't stepping in, or even giving any signs at all of having heard my prayers, I began to struggle with my faith itself. I even said a few words at one point, to God Himself, that I had to go to confession over. You see, I kept reading the scriptures about God coming to our assistance, if we pray. What father would give his son a stone? But that's what it seemed we were getting. It was looking inevitable that we would lose our house, and by now our credit has gone so far downhill that even the possibility of finding someone to rent us a place seemed unlikely. I cried and I shouted at the Lord: Why do You promise help and then not give it?

But then something happened. We reached the end of the line. And at the last minute, God came through. After months of not knowing God's ways -- and the worst part was not understanding why He was allowing us to go through this -- we have finally found some long term solutions that should keep us from being in such a bad situation again. And I think maybe, just maybe, I finally understand His why.

When you work hard to fix it, and it gets fixed, you gain self confidence with a sense that you did for yourself. But if you pray and pray and pray, and then at the very last possible moment through almost miraculous means, things fall into place that you never could have foreseen let alone arranged yourself, something important happens in your soul. You know, without any doubt, that it was God Himself that stepped in, and that all of the circumstances and people that made a difference were acting on His behalf. You can't give yourself the credit, and you can't be proud.

It is very humbling.

Some other good has come out of all this. I've started praying the psalms with a new vigor. And I've been startled to hear my pastor listen to the Holy Spirit in ways that cannot be explained in any other way. You see, last week he said something during Mass that boggled my mind. He stopped in the middle of what he was saying to tell us that we must put ourselves into God's hands because He puts Himself into our hands in the Holy Eucharist.

If you recall, this was what I had posted a week or so earlier on my blog. And my pastor does not read my blog. In fact, I checked my statistics, and nobody local outside my household had looked at my blog in over a week. The Holy Spirit is truly amazing. And so are those who listen to Him. So let me add Fr. Felipe to my list of thanks. And everyone who prayed. Obviously, though it wasn't obvious to me for a long time, our Savior was listening. God bless you and keep you in peace and grace.

Divorce

No, not mine. My Charming and Patient Husband continues to sweep me off my feet. What I want to ask is for prayers for people who are going through divorce.


I know that divorce is a lamentable and destructive thing. I know that it hurts families and that many people view it far too lightly; but I don't want to talk about that right now. I want to discuss what people going through it experience.

Regardless of fault or blame, divorce is an extremely painful experience. Debilitating, even. It shakes the core of one's faith, hurts the soul like a bruise that won't heal, and rattles even the very self image. Anyone who is going through this trial, regardless of the reasons, needs prayer.

Divorce also frequently tempts the person -- even the person of strong convictions -- to do things he or she normally would not do. The combination of ache, loneliness, and sudden self doubt leaves a hole, one that many people try to fill with activity, pain relief, and new love. The unhealed soul is not ready for new love, and it can be far too easy to substitute physical intimacy for spiritual intimacy. Especially when feeling completely undesirable. Six months of raw pain and irresponsible behavior can lead to lifetime repercussions.

I know a couple who are going through a divorce. I won't go into details; those belong to the people involved. But I will say that they are both good people. And I know that they are about to be shocked by reactions they never could have anticipated. Please pray for them.

I am sure you know someone going through a divorce, too. Who doesn't, anymore? Pray for them, too. They need a special protection right now.

Thought for the Day

Today, say a prayer for someone who already has strong faith. You never know what struggles they may not be telling.

Humility

Next time you feel like losing hope because you are not in control, consider this:
For some two thousand years, the Lord and Creator of the Universe has, daily, put Himself in the hands of human beings. Some of them receive Him unworthily; some even do worse, desecrating Him and committing other deplorable sacrileges. Yet day after day, century after century, He willingly places Himself in human hands, under the control of sinful people.

If He, who is perfect, can do this for love of us, we who are not can endure whatever His most perfect Love allows into our lives.

Let Us Pray

I've always been a strong proponent of prayer, and recently I realized that maybe I should put that quality in myself to good use and make a profit from it. Specifically, I was thinking maybe I could write prayer intentions for Oregon Catholic Press. So here, I offer a practice set of intentions, as an "audition" of sorts. Maybe if they see it, and see how well I can fit in with their prayer style, they may hire me to be a part of their holy team.

For justice for the poor and that the rich may meet a just end, we pray to the Lord.

That all people of good will may become more politically involved and support the political perspective of OCP, we pray to the Lord.

That we may be delivered from bad priests and oppressive male hierarchy, we pray to the Lord.

For an increase in the size and shape of government, that we may attain the perfect utopian global society, we pray to the Lord.

That Christians may continue to make constant distinctions between the rich [spitting optional] and the poor, in order to make the poor feel unwelcome, so that we may then invite them to gather in our superior midst, we pray to the Lord.

That all government officials may come to realize that the only licit test of morality is in the complete acceptance and respect of all ways of life, we pray to the Lord.

That all people who disagree with the only licit test of morality realize that they are not due acceptance and respect, and that they come to see the error of their ways, we pray to the Lord.

For the protection of the ozone layer and the success of Albert Gore's writing career, we pray to the Lord.

That the Holy Spirit guide all people to a full acceptance of the OCP creed, we pray to the Lord.

For these and all of the politically appropriate intentions we hold in our hearts, we pray to the Lord.


What do you think? Do I get the job?

Life's Tough, and Then You Die

Remember the phrase so popular in the 80's? (Cleaned up a little, but still recognizable.) I liked it so much I translated it into French in high school. Around the same time, I used to wear a button that said "There is no gravity. The earth sucks."

And just what is wrong with life being tough? Rather than being a cynical statement of hopelessness, maybe the Gen-X motto ought to stand up as a beacon of hope. Life is tough; and not because God isn't watching. Rather, He allows us our challenges so that when we meet Him we have an offering for Him. Lord, you deemed me worthy to try. You chose me for this challenge, and I accepted it. Thank you, Lord.

Not so easy to say that now, when we are suffering and carrying the weight of our crosses. We are tired, and wish for nothing more than a Simon to come and help us carry them. Maybe to take them up for us for a while, even. But that help doesn't always come just because we want it; God saves it for when we need it.

No matter how much we wish now things were easier (and I'm not saying we have to stop praying for relief!) there will come a time when we account to Jesus for the life we led here. And at that time, we really will bask in the praise of our Lord who gave us a challenge because He knew and trusted that we could meet it.

Who knows why He chose our particular challenges for us? Maybe it was because He could rejoice that we kept our faith through it. Maybe it was because He wanted us to see His glory through the answers He sends (like the Israelites saw His glory after the Pharaoh made them suffer). Maybe it is to make us grow, or maybe it is because He has better plans for us that we do not know of yet. We cannot know; that's what faith is about. If we always knew His plan, it wouldn't take much faith to follow Him.

Jesus never told us to stop praying for our daily bread. But He never told us to tell God exactly how to provide it, either.

Lord, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief.

Faith and Prayer

Stacey from Housewife in Flip-Flops made a good point in the comments that really got me thinking. She said:

I have to wonder about people who say to do things, not just prayer. Prayer's a fairly easy thing to do... you can do it while raising money for cancer research, driving to visit sick family and friends, etc., etc.

It got me to thinking about why a person would fight prayer. Why would someone object strenuously to something so simple, that requires so little of us? Then it occurred to me: maybe the reason is that what it really requires of us is the hardest thing, the one thing we can't conjure up for ourselves: faith.

Faith is more than just belief. Sure, it is belief that someone hears and cares about our prayers; but it is also something much harder, even for believers, to live. Faith is that kind of trust that acknowledges that we are not in control. It is "Thy will be done," and "Lord, I am not worthy, but say the word and I shall be healed." It is, in the final examination, the ability to keep trying, even when it's hopeless, because our effort may be from ourselves, but our hope is in God.

I can't credit myself for believing or for having faith. Faith is an unmerited gift, and one that I sometimes forget to use. But maybe I need to be more understanding of those who do not have it, and add silently that word, "yet." I can keep trying to speak the truth to someone, but it is in God that my hope must lie: that He will give the grace to hear that truth.

Maybe, just maybe, those moments of doubt, of near-despair, of self-reliance (which generally does lead to despair) exist as a reminder that I am not so different from those who believe that only doing can help, that prayer and relying on Someone greater than ourselves is doing nothing.
Faith isn't easy. We live in a world that teaches, conditions, even brainwashes us to believe that we can't trust anyone but ourselves. Of course, that's what the difference is between faith and the world: whom we dare trust. And before I let the bitter taste settle in my mouth, I'd better ask myself how fully I trust God. I am pretty sure I could find a lot of room for improvement.

Prayer works

A while ago, I asked for prayers for my five year old cousin, diagnosed with an extremely fast-growing and inoperable cancer. Someone calling himself "Cholo" urged us not to pray. He said to do something helpful instead, like preparing her for death.

I think God will forgive me the slight smirk. Cholo, prayers DID prove helpful. We just got the news today: her recent test results came through, and she is cancer free.

First Maryclare was given no hope for survival. Then she was given no hope of ever walking again. She's alive and walking. I thank God for His work through her skilled doctors. I thank God for giving this child such loving and supportive parents to help her through this difficult time. And I thank God for His healing! Thanks, too, to all of you who prayed.

It makes my own prayer request look so much smaller and less significant, but as long as we're talking about prayers, I'd be grateful if you could offer a prayer for some help to come our way. Our income has gone significantly down over the past couple of years, and as many of you know we're expecting another baby in January. If we don't see some change soon, we will lose our house long before then. I know that the house is a gift from God, and as Job said "The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Just the same, I hope with all my heart that He will not choose to take away.

I'm so grateful for the prayers from people I know love God; and I'm also grateful for today's reminder that prayer really does work. God bless you all!

Faith moves mountains again

This time it was the mountain of my own hardness. I owe a debt to BusyBeeMama for inspiring me. With all the hormones raging, with the depression issues only mostly under control, I find myself self-pitying sometimes. I've recently rehashed in my mind hurts that I received one and two years ago; I've looked at my situation in my town and parish, and wondered why I'm here, and if I've made any progress at all in making this my home. And then I found Busy Bee Mama, whose blog shows one post after another of the kind of strength, faith, and grace I want to emulate.

I am grateful to this person I do not know. I doubt she realizes how her faith spreads healing, even among strangers.

How Many Angels Don't Dance on the Head of a Pin?

When we think of the infinite we think, of course, of God. But when we think of God, it can be easy to forget to think of half of the infinite. God is all-powerful; God is all-loving. Maybe God can make a rock so heavy He cannot lift it. (I like to think He can, and that He can also lift it.)

So God is the "Big Guy." Infinitely big. No argument here. But what about infinitely small?

What set all these thoughts in motion was a little booklet called The Catholic Reader. It's a slender, staplebound collection of about 20 pages with prayers, poems, thoughts, and devotions. Near the beginning is a page of one-line "Inspirational Thoughts & Devotions," and among them I found this gem:

No problem is too small for the Lord.

Now, I've heard many times that no problem is too big for the Lord. I've even used that as an encouragement for people who worried that God could not forgive their sins: nothing we have done is too big for God to deal with, because nothing we can do can be bigger than God's infiniteness.

But too small? That's another matter.

How many times have we avoided a prayer for a need, because we thought God was busy with more important things? How many times have we avoided a problem instead of dealing with it because it was too big for us, but too small to bother the Lord with? How many times have we allowed ourselves to wallow in the thought that we are too small for God's attention?

Our Lord is infinite. One of the joys of that is that there's "enough of Him to go around." The fact that He's busy helping this world leader or that cancer victim doesn't mean He is spread too thin to help with our smaller problems. When one of my kids is hurting or in serious need, I don't stop loving the others. And God is a much better (and more infinite) parent than I am.

Take your little concerns to Him. And don't forget to offer thanks and worship while you're there.

St. Grandma

Please pray for the repose of my grandmother, Agnes, who passed away today.

My most recent memory of her was a couple of years ago, when she and I were both visiting my mom. She had seen my sister's freestanding toilet paper holder, and was so delighted that she decided to forego using her four-footed cane. She'd discovered that a toilet paper roll fit on it, and she set it up in her bathroom. For the rest of the week, anyone who visited heard her telling with giggles about her new toilet paper holder.

A remarkable young artist named Akiane had a vision of heaven as a small child, and she said that there were colors we have never seen on earth. I can picture my grandmother giggling with delight as she sees for the first time in many years, and sees new colors and sights... and most of all, sees the Face of Jesus.

How Praying the Office Makes My House Pretty

Some people do Fly Lady with great results. Some people are just naturally neat and organized. I pray the office. And you should see what it's done to my home.

As a Carmelite Secular, I'm supposed to pray the office, but I've never been as good at it as I should be. But lately I've really been making more of an effort to improve, partly because final promises are approaching and I realize that I can't very well promise obedience if I'm not even doing this little thing as well as I'm able. So recently I put the breviary next to my bed and set about working on consistency.

Then the most surprising thing happened. My living room got cleaned. I mean clean enough to have company for my son's birthday. Grown up company. My mother in law. It was a shock.

Then a few days later, something else happened. The little concrete patio outside my front door started shaping up. This is no small feat, I might add. I started trimming the dread Juniper Bush from Heck. The thing was at least thirteen feet high and proportionately out of control. Thick branches, too big for our dull little saw. My son saw me, and came out to help. So while he lopped twigs and then branches (our ultimate goal is to destroy the fiend), I scooped, shoveled and swept the pile of maple leaves and juniper droppings beneath it, putting them into the mulch pile in the planter bed we're trying to fill. Then my daughter saw us and joined in, too. She cleaned the trash and fishing supplies that had collected all around the hose.

For the first time in I don't know how long, the front of our house is starting not to look junky. By the time the weather warms enough to plant flowers around the patio, it might even be downright pretty.

By now you are asking what on earth praying the Liturgy of the Hours has to do with cleaning the patio. I'll tell you. As I prayed, something happened inside me that really shouldn't have come as so much of a surprise: I began to feel grateful. I became much more acutely aware of the gifts God has given me, and how blessed I am. I found myself feeling the familiar, overwhelming gratitude that God has matched me up with a man I'm convinced must be among his very favorites. I found myself remembering that five years ago I was certain I could never own a home, and ten years ago I didn't even have a home to live in. And I knew I must never, ever take these gifts for granted.

In a sense, when I've let mess overtake us, that is exactly what I've been doing. And lately I'm feeling an enormous sense of gratitude... and drive to show my gratitude by taking care of the gifts my Papa has given me.

I won't knock Fly Lady; she's done a lot of good for a lot of people. But for now, I'll take the Office. Blessed be the Lord!